our cab driver is having phone sex.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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