my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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