It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize