i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
