seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize