If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Randomize
