i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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