and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
