you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
