She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
