The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
