look no pants
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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