I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
her facebook's as public as her vagina
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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