Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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