She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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