On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
