the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
