I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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