my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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