I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
