I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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