everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize