Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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