He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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