btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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