also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
