I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
