The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
