i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
