i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
