Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
