My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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