he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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