Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
