Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just invented taco cereal.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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