Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Holy sore nipples Batman
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
