Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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