i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
