I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
