Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i already hear my dad disowning me
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
