Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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