Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
