I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Randomize
