made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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