If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
