I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
