My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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