bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
