i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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