dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
