if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
