Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
