it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
