You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
