highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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