I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Fuck appropriateness.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
