i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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