i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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